How Martina learned how
to attract a loving, respectful relationship
THE BEGINNING
Martina had a lovely home and a great job, but she was desperately lonely.
She combined being fiercely independent, with allowing herself to be used
by friends, neighbours and relatives. When we began coaching she’d had a
string of unhappy relationships, none of which gave her the commitment she
so desperately wanted.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
Martina was making the classic mistake of those who secretly fear that
they don’t deserve to be loved: she did everything she could for those
around her, while never allowing them to take care of her. Martina
subconsciously believed that she was a ‘bad’ person, and spent her life
overcompensating, being a ‘good’ person. As a result boyfriends (and
everyone else) undervalued her, and took her for granted.
Martina was also a very spiritual person, with a sensitive and loving
nature. Unfortunately, because of her subconscious beliefs, she didn’t
include herself in her love. So we set about laying down proper boundaries
and limits, loving others, but making sure she loved herself at the same
time.
THE RESULTS
When Martina started to love herself, assert her needs, and take care of
herself, everyone else wanted to join in, including all the new men who
wanted to date her! And these were a ‘better class of boyfriend’, ones who
responded to her self respect and were attracted to her confidence.
Martina soon found one who she found very special indeed!
How Lily Found a Life,
and Then a Man!
THE BEGINNING
Lily had just been dumped by a cold, rejecting, diminishing boyfriend, and
her self-esteem was at rock-bottom. She believed that life was meaningless
on her own, and desperately wanted another relationship, though she was
terrified of getting hurt again.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
We discovered that Lily had mixed feelings about relationships. And this
was attracting men who were equally ambivalent. She believed she
desperately needed a relationship, but on one level actually didn’t want
one.
We soon saw why. Lily had little sense of self, and so spent each
relationship being the person she thought her current boyfriend wanted her
to be. Of course this was deeply upsetting and uncomfortable for her.
We explored the idea that being like this only appealed to a certain kind
of partner, and not for long even then! We explored the idea that
respectful, loving people are attracted to authenticity. And indeed that
authentic people are very attractive. They are confident about who they
are, about expressing themselves, they are light and fun to be around.
THE RESULTS
When Lily started experimenting with being her true self, her confidence
skyrocketed. And of course lots of men started asking her out. And she
started turning them down! Having always looked for all her satisfaction
in a relationship, she now started looking elsewhere, bringing an
expansive sense of fulfillment and excitement into her life. She realised
she was bored with her job, and started her own creative business. She
took up dancing. And painting.
Lily is still getting more offers than she accepts and is dating with
confidence and loving it!
How Gloria Lost Herself in a Relationship then Found Herself again
THE BEGINNING
Gloria was very insecure, and frightened of losing her long-term
boyfriend. She’d just experienced a crisis when he’d threatened to leave.
She felt pushed into needing a lot of reassurance from him (as he would
frequently distance himself) and obsessively wanted to control his
behaviour.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
During our first call Gloria could see how she was falling into a big
relationship trap. She was feeling the emotional neediness for both of
them. Couples often deal with difficult feelings in this way: one of them
rejects the feeling completely, and the other one takes it all on board as
all their own. This subconscious arrangement can last for years, and often
leads to break-up in the end.
Gloria needed to escape the trap. To stop believing that she was the only
needy one, and to stop acting it out. So we worked on building her own
strength, identity, self-esteem and sense of safety.
THE RESULTS
Gloria expanded her life beyond her boyfriend. She found her own things to
do, became excited about the great wealth of life’s possibilities, and
before she knew it found that her sense of dependency rapidly faded.
Unsurprisingly her boyfriend, seeing the new, confident Gloria, became
aware of just how much he loved and wanted her. They began to laugh and
have fun together. And, most importantly of all, they now shared the
feeling of dependency, a key to any happy, healthy relationship.
How Nina Allowed Love
into Her Heart Again
THE BEGINNING
Nina rang me when she’d just met a man she really liked, and was terrified
of messing it up. She was 51 years old, divorced, and felt she’d never
been in a successful relationship. She’d been burned, and was scared of
repeating painful patterns of the past. She experienced huge feelings of
failure, and believed that she “just couldn’t do relationships”.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
We soon discovered that Nina still held a paralyzing childhood fear of
being selfish, and therefore unlovable. This fear ran her adult life, and
all her relationships. She heavily compensated, sacrificing all her needs
for the well-being of the other person.
This in turn led her to fear relationships, because she certainly didn’t
have a happy time in them. Thus her relationships history had been
interspersed with periods of self-imposed isolation.
The route out was a new option. Nina needed to accept her own needs, and
peacefully but firmly express them, at the same time as helping her
partner get his needs met too. Instead of regarding relationships and an
either/or scenario, she needed to experience being on the same team.
THE RESULTS
Nina learned how to love without it being at her own expense. She learned
to let another person support her, and enjoy making requests and watching
her partner lovingly eager to meet them! Soon after we finished coaching
her boyfriend sold his house and they moved in together, to share a happy,
joyful celebration of love.
How Karen Stepped Through
her Greatest Fear and Discovered True Intimacy
THE BEGINNING
Karen was entering into a new relationship at 54. She wanted it to be
different from her marriage, where she’d felt unloved and over-looked. Now
her new relationship seemed to be heading the very same way. Karen felt
she was giving everything of herself to the new relationship, but wasn’t
getting enough back. She had fallen into nagging and pushing her
boyfriend, a trait neither of them enjoyed!
THE BREAKTHROUGH
Karen was shocked to discover that underneath her conscious desire to have
a man love and take care of her, lay the fear of getting truly close and
intimate to another human being. So she was sabotaging her wants in order
to maintain a certain distance and not experience the hurt or rejection
she feared.
We discovered why she found it so hard to ask for what she wanted. It was
less because she feared rejection, and more because she feared the
closeness (and therefore vulnerability) that came from being taken care
of. Karen was desperately fighting against that vulnerability, and the
fear of getting hurt by the relationship.
THE RESULTS
Karen learned that when we don’t take care of our needs, then we can’t let
others give to us. This effectively builds a fortress around our hearts
and doesn’t let anyone in. Karen was able to start opening up, and letting
people in. She started communicating with her new boyfriend about her true
needs and desires. And to her joyful surprise she discovered that this led
to a level of intimacy and safety she’d never experienced before. She’s
now extremely happily married, in a partnership she never imagined
possible!
How Martina learned how
to attract a loving, respectful relationship