Its Not What You Say, Its How You Say It

How to say what you’re feeling
Communication alone won’t make a relationship happy. You have to know how, says relationship coach Vicky van Praag
 Everyone talks about the need for good communication. And we all know that if the ability to communicate breaks down, the breakdown of the relationship will soon follow. Most of us fear talking about how we really feel because as children, we saw that our parents often couldn’t talk about their feelings without fighting. And, in the past, this has happened in our own relationships. No wonder we hold back! But then our fear of losing the relationship through fighting will lead to the loss of the relationship through not talking.

Whether communication damages or improves your relationship is all in the way you do it. If you’re upset with your partner’s behaviour and you simply say so, it will almost certainly lead to a fight. For example, if you’re upset with your wife because she never initiates sex and you simply tell her that, she’ll feel judged and criticised.

 

“The best way to avoid a fight is to use ‘I’ statements when communicating your feelings. This way of talking will enable both of you to listen to, empathise with and understand what the other person is feeling and why.”

 

Likewise, if you tell your husband that he spends too much time at the office, you’ll have a fight on your hands. These statements, however gently put, are criticisms, and the usual response to attack is defence. Then you’re at opposite standpoints, and you’re in a fight.
The best way to avoid a fight is to use “I” statements when communicating your feelings.

 
For example, “I feel rejected and unloved when I think you don’t want to have sex with me.” And, “I feel unloved because I think you’re spending too much time at the office.” This way of talking will enable you and your partner to really listen to, empathise with and understand what the other person is feeling and why. When you begin the conversation talking about how you are feeling, rather than accusing your partner of making you feel that way, your partner will be far more likely to want to help you feel better instead of defending himself or herself from your criticisms and fighting your point of view. This will pave the way to unity instead of separation.Communication is crucial. But knowing how to communicate is even more so. When you criticize, you attack, and this kind of communication creates distance. It’ll lead to breakup as surely as not talking at all. But if you communicate by saying how you feel – without implying it’s the other person’s fault – communication will bring you closer together.