How Not To Nag?

NAGGING DOUBTS
Turn a demand into a request and love the results, says Vicky Van Praag
We all know what it’s like to nag. To ask for the same thing over and over again and never see a result. We start to feel resentful and powerless. An undone chore can begin to assume huge significance. We may even wonder if it means that we aren’t very loved.

As if feeling unloved by our partner wasn’t bad enough, we can soon become unloved by ourselves! No one likes to nag. It poisons us and makes us dislike ourselves. We worry about being a shrew, a harridan or even a tyrant.
We have a problem. The obvious solution seems to be to take the opposite tack, and try not to nag. We take the line of least resistance, and do all the jobs ourselves. Now we have ended up feeling like a hard done by martyr. We betray ourselves, and that doesn’t feel very good either!
Despair sets in. We dream of a perfect world where our relationships bring out the best in us and we feel completely loved. Our needs are taken care of effortlessly.
So what is the way out of this maze? Why don’t other people comply with our simple requests? Does it really mean that they don’t care? Is there anything we can do? Put yourself in the shoes of your partner for a moment. How do you feel about being told what to do? Most of us hate it. It implies an inequality in the relationship. Bosses can get away with it, but often at the expense of making people feel belittled and controlled. The result is usually resistance or even quiet rebellion. And those that comply often harbour silent resentment.
There is another way. Let go of the struggle for power and the endless pursuit of fairness. Stop attempting to control the uncontrollable (another person). Make a request, and make it without resentment.
This takes practice and can make us feel vulnerable. The other person can say no. But they were doing that with their actions anyway, weren’t they? So nothing lost there. The gain on the other hand, can be greater than you imagine. A demand may or may not get the job done, but it will never make you feel loving or loved. Complying with a demand is an act of guilt. Complying with a request is an act of love. We get what we give, so giving love and respect will engender love and respect in your partner. Life can become very good indeed!
Of course we may not be able to let go of our long history and huge backlog of resentments. The struggle for power may have become entrenched; the sense of injustice and unfairness too strong. If we pretend to make requests they will still sound like demands. If this is happening to you, don’t worry. The resentments and angers are acting as a barrier right now. A power struggle is locked in by fear and pain. With help you can find compassion, gain awareness and learn to create new patterns. You can learn to like yourself and feel loved and cared for again.