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W
henever I work with a couple
through a relationship crisis, I'm
always reminded of how fragile
love appears to be and yet how strong it really
is. Love can seem to be lost in a second with
a harsh word or a nasty look. And after too
many years of conflict and heartache it can
appear to be lost forever. But time and time
again it can be found, in the deepest recesses
of our hearts, just waiting to coaxed,
reassured and gently brought back into being.
‘The pressures of life will
often break our hopes and
promises for the perfect
relationship and we can end
up shutting down and feeling
that we don't love our
partners anymore.’
Most people fall in love at least once in
their lives but not so many manage to make
it last a lifetime. Some people give up in the
midst of conflict and heartache, yet others
find a way to allow their love to take shape
beyond pain, rather than being broken by it.
We think that great love will survive no
matter what. But many people have loved
each other deeply and still watch their love
burn up in the midst of anger and regret.
Because it is not simply whom you love but
how you love that determines how long your
love will last. We need to know how to love
because relationships will always give us
some of the greatest challenges of our lives.
When we fall in love we think that love
will be easy. We think that we'll never turn on
our love in anger, or feel disappointment or
hurt. Then, as time goes on and things don't
go the way we want them to, we may snap,
bite, lie and criticise.
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The pressures of life will
often break our hopes and promises for the
perfect relationship and we can end up
shutting down and feeling that we don't love
our partners anymore.
The way it looks is hardly ever the way it is.
If you see someone in anger and blame them,
then you don't see the hurt that is
underneath, a hurt so acute that it makes
your loved one lash out at you. If you hear a
criticism and fight back, then you don't
notice the unexpressed need and fear that
hides behind it.
Love that is hidden deeply under pain,
disappointment, anger and resentment can
still be unearthed. Sometimes it's too difficult
for the people involved in the heart of the
conflict to see and feel it, but that doesn't
mean it isn't there. To find love again you
need to be willing to look, and willing to look
beyond and behind the negativity you feel. A
successful relationship is not a stress-free
relationship, it is a relationship where both
parties are willing to deal with the stress and
move beyond it.
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