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I
t is interesting how the causes of a
relationship going wrong are often the
very things we do to try and make them
go right. Compromise can be one of those
things. Compromise may not be a bad thing
in itself, but when we start to compromise
not just what we want, but who we are, in
order to hold a relationship together we are
headed for disaster.
When I see a couple together I'm always
interested to notice who they are as
individuals, and what parts of themselves
they might be compromising in order to hold
onto the relationship.
It is understandable that people believe
they need to shut down parts of themselves
to make their partner happy. When we are
first in love our partner loves everything
about us.
“When we are first in love, our
partner loves everything
about us. Later, they complain
about certain parts of us”
Then, as time goes on, they start to
complain about certain parts of us. Perhaps
they don't like our friends, or our hobbies.
Perhaps they don't feel comfortable with how
gregarious we are, or with the kind of clothes
we like to wear. And so, to keep them loving
us, we stop doing these things, or we do them
behind closed doors, until eventually we
realise that we no longer express all of who
we truly are.
But a “shrink to fit” relationship will only
find a lot of anger. Anger at our partner for
apparently not loving us for who we truly are;
and anger at ourselves for putting up with the
situation.
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Thus we will find ourselves in
confrontations, the giver and receiver of
anger that is too scared to express what it
really feels: the fear that you will not be loved
for who you are. But the truth of it is that our
partner does want us to be happy.
They just
might be scared that certain aspects of our
self-expression will lead us away from them.
They might try and hold us back from taking
dance classes, because they're worried that
we'll have an affair. Or they might oppose us
having parties because they find social
occasions scary. So, you compromise yourself
in order to hold the relationship together and
you find yourself with a relationship full of
pain and anger. You do it to be happy, and
you end up miserable. A great relationship
consists of two individuals who inspire and
support each other to be the most amazing
versions of themselves they are capable of
being. To wear the clothes they love, pursue
the hobbies they love, to express with passion
who they are and who they want to be.
So next time you find yourself doing
something to placate your partner,
remember, there is another way.
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