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W
e all know what it’s like to
nag. To ask for the same
thing over and over again
and never see a result. We start to feel
resentful and powerless. An undone
chore can begin to assume huge
significance. We may even wonder if
it means that we aren’t very loved.
As if feeling unloved by our partner
wasn’t bad enough, we can soon
become unloved by ourselves! No one
likes to nag. It poisons us and makes
us dislike ourselves. We worry about
being a shrew, a harridan or even a
tyrant.
We have a problem. The obvious
solution seems to be to take the
opposite tack, and try not to nag. We
take the line of least resistance, and do
all the jobs ourselves. Now we have
ended up feeling like a hard done by
martyr. We betray ourselves, and that
doesn’t feel very good either!
Despair sets in. We dream of a
perfect world where our relationships
bring out the best in us and we feel
completely loved. Our needs are taken
care of effortlessly.
So what is the way out of this maze?
Why don’t other people comply with
our simple requests? Does it really
mean that they don’t care? Is there
anything we can do?
Put yourself in the shoes of your
partner for a moment. How do you
feel about being told what to do?
Most of us hate it. It implies an
inequality in the relationship. Bosses
can get away with it, but often at the
expense of making people feel
belittled and controlled. The result is
usually resistance or even quiet
rebellion. And those that comply
often harbour silent resentment.
There is another way. Let go of the
struggle for power and the endless
pursuit of fairness. Stop attempting to
control the uncontrollable (another
person). Make a request, and make it
without resentment.
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This takes
practice and can make us feel
vulnerable. The other person can say
no. But they were doing that with
their actions anyway, weren’t they? So
nothing lost there. The gain on the
other hand, can be greater than you
imagine. A demand may or may not
get the job done, but it will never
make you feel loving or loved.
Complying with a demand is an act of
guilt. Complying with a request is an
act of love. We get what we give, so
giving love and respect will engender
love and respect in your partner. Life
can become very good indeed!
Of course we may not be able to let
go of our long history and huge
backlog of resentments. The struggle
for power may have become
entrenched; the sense of injustice and
unfairness too strong. If we pretend to
make requests they will still sound
like demands. If this is happening to
you, don’t worry. The resentments
and angers are acting as a barrier right
now. A power struggle is locked in by
fear and pain. With help you can find
compassion, gain awareness and learn
to create new patterns. You can learn
to like yourself and feel loved and
cared for again.
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