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I
magine a relationship in which your
every need was attended to before you
even felt it. A relationship full of
presents, flowers, kisses, and long talks.
When we first fall in love our partner gives
us all the attention we could ever want. After
several years together the picture is usually a
little emptier. Unfortunately, there is
nothing quite so painful as a relationship in
which we feel ignored.
When a man is ignored he will usually react
by withdrawing. When a woman is ignored
she’ll usually turn to control for comfort.
Driven by the fear that her partner doesn’t
want to be with her, she will nag and push
him, berate and badger him, trying to
squeeze the attention out of him she’s scared
he won’t give her on his own. Sadly, not only
does she suffer the pain of a lonely, loveless
life, but her actions only make the situation
worse.
“None of us likes to be
controlled, and we will go
into automatic resistance
when pushed to do
something, no matter what it
might be.”
When a woman tries to control her husband
he will resist. This has nothing to do with
how much he loves her. None of us likes to
be controlled, and we will go into automatic
resistance when pushed to do something, no
matter what it might be. It is hard for a
woman trapped in the cycle of control to
understand this. She believes that if her
husband loved her, he’d do what she
wanted. She’s not quite aware just how
unattractive controlling behaviour is.
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She only knows that she feels more alone and
unloved the more those around her
withdraw. So she pushes harder, and they
withdraw farther.
The good news is that it is only controlling
behaviour that people dislike, not the
controller themselves. And if the controller
stopped the behaviour they would find their
loved ones responded very well. And if they
don’t stop they’ll never feel loved, because
we can never really value something we force
from people. Controllers can’t receive a
spontaneous act of love because they never
leave room for it. The only way out of this
painful cycle is to take a risk. Take a risk that
the love might come to you, without you
having to push for it. Stop controlling, stop
asking, stop talking; step back and let love
show itself. Once we stop pushing others to
do what we want they will gradually soften
their resistance, they have the opportunity
to show us love on their own. And, even if
they don’t, it’s not the end of the world.
Those that love you will love you, and those
that don’t you are better off without. Being a
control freak is too
big a price to pay
to hold onto a
relationship that
would not survive
without it. While
the pain of a
broken
relationship will
heal, the pain of
living as a control
freak lasts a
lifetime.
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