hy is it that we sometimes seem to feel anger towards our partner about so many things? Everything from resentment that they have left the bathroom in a mess, to how they spend money, or even what they wear. It can be that somehow, whatever they do, it will be wrong in our eyes.

Anger doesn’t happen by itself. It is a response triggered by some kind of threat to our welfare or well being. Because the feeling is so powerful and strong, able to overwhelm us in a second, we can remain totally unaware of the hurt hiding underneath. Anger and pain are inextricably linked. We get angry with our partners because we are hurting. And because our partners can hurt us so much more deeply than anyone else, our anger becomes greater and more pervasive.

Where there is anger there is pain, and where there is pain there is anger. If we have grown up in an environment where anger was not acceptable, we can learn to suppress it so thoroughly that we have no idea of its existence. Generalising, this is more typical for women, who can often become depressed as a result. For men, if an expression of anger is more acceptable than one of pain, the pain will remain hidden. Often in a relationship an unconscious emotional deal is struck, where the man ‘does’ the anger while the woman ‘does’ the pain. Both will continue to suffer.