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C
an you remember the last time you
looked at your partner and got an
unpleasant sensation of relationship
déjà vu? It could have been something they
said to you, a look, or a particular tone
of voice. Suddenly, memories of past
relationships come flooding into your mind,
and behind them are memories of childhood.
What your partner said or did is exactly what
your father or mother once said or did, and
suddenly you feel six years old again.
“The past cannot be resolved.
It can be learned from, but it
can never be changed.”
When we find ourselves in the midst of
recurring patterns in our relationships, we
often feel drawn to the past to try and find
the root of the problem – and with it, the
solution. Unfortunately, focusing on the
hurts of the past to resolve those of the
present will never bring peace. When we
look at the past this way, it is very hard for us
to let it go. Instead of learning from our
experiences, we fall into the trap of
desperately wishing the past hadn’t
happened the way it did. This blocks us from
being able to learn, and we become trapped
in a time warp. From here we are doomed to
keep repeating the past rather than moving
forward into a different future.
It is necessary to accept that the past
cannot be resolved. It can be let go, it can be
learned from, but it can never be changed.
Once we accept this, it is much easier to start
again, without blame and guilt weighing us
down, and be the person we want to be.
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Letting go of the past is especially
important during difficult times in
relationships. When we bring up the past
during disagreements, it is usually to
emphasise the pain we are feeling. In the face
of our partners letting us down again, we say,
“...and you’ve done it a million times.”
Unfortunately, since the criticism is directed
at them, they don’t hear our pain – they only
hear blame. And when anyone hears blame,
they fight and deny it, and the argument
escalates.
Bringing up the past in an argument never
has the desired effect. When a difficult
situation comes up, even when you feel hurt
or let down, aim to resolve the problem
without any reference to the past. Address
the small, specific things that are troubling
you right now. Take it one step at a time. If
you don’t refer to past events, you’re less
likely to render the problem huge. And it will
then be much easier to work difficulties out
as partners – rather than as two people in
opposition – together committed to making
your relationship better. Now.
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