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E
veryone talks about the need for good
communication. And we all know
that if the ability to communicate
breaks down, the breakdown of the
relationship will soon follow. Most of us fear
talking about how we really feel because as
children, we saw that our parents often
couldn’t talk about their feelings without
fighting. And, in the past, this has happened
in our own relationships. No wonder we
hold back! But then our fear of losing the
relationship through fighting will lead to the
loss of the relationship through not talking.
Whether communication damages or
improves your relationship is all in the way
you do it. If you’re upset with your partner’s
behaviour and you simply say so, it will
almost certainly lead to a fight. For example,
if you’re upset with your wife because she
never initiates sex and you simply tell her
that, she’ll feel judged and criticised.
“The best way to avoid a fight is to
use ‘I’ statements when
communicating your feelings. This
way of talking will enable both of you
to listen to, empathise with and
understand what the other person is
feeling and why.”
Likewise, if you tell your husband that he
spends too much time at the office, you’ll
have a fight on your hands. These
statements, however gently put, are
criticisms, and the usual response to attack is
defence. Then you’re at opposite
standpoints, and you’re in a fight.
The best way to avoid a fight is to use “I”
statements when communicating your
feelings.
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For example, “I feel rejected and
unloved when I think you don’t want to
have sex with me.” And, “I feel unloved
because I think you’re spending too much
time at the office.” This way of talking will
enable you and your partner to really listen
to, empathise with and understand what the
other person is feeling and why. When you
begin the conversation talking about how
you are feeling, rather than accusing your
partner of making you feel that way, your
partner will be far more likely to want to
help you feel better instead of defending
himself or herself from your criticisms and
fighting your point of view. This will pave
the way to unity instead of
separation.Communication is crucial. But
knowing how to communicate is even more
so. When you
criticize, you attack,
and this kind of
communication
creates distance. It’ll
lead to breakup as
surely as not talking
at all. But if you
communicate by
saying how you feel
– without implying
it’s the other
person’s fault –
communication will
bring you closer
together.
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