Are You Scared To Be Selfish?

SCARED OF BEING SELFISH
Relationship coach Vicky van Praag looks at how the fear of being selfish can cause you to give too much
Can you remember the last time you gave someone something with all your heart? It could have been breakfast in bed or a beautiful birthday gift, something you’d thought about with the intention of making the receiver extraspecially happy. When you give with an open heart, you get joy in return. To watch the face of someone you love light up, and know that you are responsible for their happiness, feels amazing.

So why is it that giving doesn’t always feel this good? When you are overwhelmed by the needs of others, when you feel like all you do is give, give, give all day long, when it seems as though you live every moment of your life for other people and do nothing for yourself, the thought of giving one more little thing can make you want to scream. Balancing other people’s needs with our own is not always simple.

 

“When you aren’t motivated to give from the secret fear that you’re selfish, you’ll be able to give only when it feels right to do so”

 

Many of us grow up feeling that we are somehow not quite good enough and that our needs are not as important as the needs of others. In order to compensate for this feeling, we give to everyone around us, but at our own expense, feeling that anything else would be selfish. No matter how sad and neglected we feel from our giving, the fear of being selfish, of being a bad, unlovable person, urges us on to keep going. And when we finally snap, we feel even worse about ourselves. We have become someone who gives too much.
In order to get joy from giving, you have to drop the guilt, and the drive to get approval. When you aren’t motivated to give from the secret fear that you’re selfish, you’ll be able to give only when it feels right to do so. You won’t overwhelm yourself with commitments. And, above all, you’ll make sure you’re happy before rushing to meet others’ needs.
Giving can feel wonderful; but to be able to keep it up, you need to start giving to yourself first. If you give to everyone without taking care of yourself you’ll soon feel exhausted, frustrated, abandoned and completely and utterly empty. And when you give from a place of emptiness, the giving is hollow and love-less, and there is no point to it anymore. The people in your life might want things from you, but what they want most of all is your love. To give them that you have to love yourself first. You may fear that taking care of yourself is selfish, but if you want to bring joy to those you love, it’s actually the least selfish thing you can do.