Are You A Control Freak?

Are you in control?
Relationship Coach Vicky van Praag looks at how trying to control your partner can ruin your relationship and spoil your life.
Imagine a relationship in which your every need was attended to before you even felt it. A relationship full of presents, flowers, kisses, and long talks. When we first fall in love our partner gives us all the attention we could ever want. After several years together the picture is usually a little emptier. Unfortunately, there is nothing quite so painful as a relationship in which we feel ignored.

When a man is ignored he will usually react by withdrawing. When a woman is ignored she’ll usually turn to control for comfort. Driven by the fear that her partner doesn’t want to be with her, she will nag and push him, berate and badger him, trying to squeeze the attention out of him she’s scared he won’t give her on his own. Sadly, not only does she suffer the pain of a lonely, loveless life, but her actions only make the situation worse.

 

“None of us likes to be controlled, and we will go into automatic resistance when pushed to do something, no matter what it might be.”

 

When a woman tries to control her husband he will resist. This has nothing to do with how much he loves her. None of us likes to be controlled, and we will go into automatic resistance when pushed to do something, no matter what it might be. It is hard for a woman trapped in the cycle of control to understand this. She believes that if her husband loved her, he’d do what she wanted. She’s not quite aware just how unattractive controlling behaviour is.
She only knows that she feels more alone and unloved the more those around her withdraw. So she pushes harder, and they withdraw farther.
The good news is that it is only controlling behaviour that people dislike, not the controller themselves. And if the controller stopped the behaviour they would find their loved ones responded very well. And if they don’t stop they’ll never feel loved, because we can never really value something we force from people. Controllers can’t receive a spontaneous act of love because they never leave room for it. The only way out of this painful cycle is to take a risk. Take a risk that the love might come to you, without you having to push for it. Stop controlling, stop asking, stop talking; step back and let love show itself. Once we stop pushing others to do what we want they will gradually soften their resistance, they have the opportunity to show us love on their own. And, even if they don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Those that love you will love you, and those that don’t you are better off without. Being a control freak is too big a price to pay to hold onto a relationship that would not survive without it. While the pain of a broken relationship will heal, the pain of living as a control freak lasts a lifetime.